


Notes on a Meeting Held in the DC Executive Conference Room: A Johnny Constantine Mystery

by silver_penny



Category: DCU, Hellblazer & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, LGBTQ characters in comics, Metafiction, Satire, as told through fiction, commentary on DC's publishing practices, the comics industry, women in comics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27747175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_penny/pseuds/silver_penny
Summary: In October of 2020, DC announced they were adding John Constantine to the 2021 slate of DC Kids' graphic novels, inThe Mystery of the Meanest Teacher: A Johnny Constantine Graphic Novel."I cannot think of any scenario in which that makes sense," I told my friends, laughing and confused. But then I realized I was wrong: there is a single scenario in which it might have been a good idea.This is that scenario.
Kudos: 2





	Notes on a Meeting Held in the DC Executive Conference Room: A Johnny Constantine Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> For context, if necessary: John Constantine's long-running series _Hellblazer_ was part of DC's "mature readers" imprint Vertigo, which was not supposed to be sold to readers under 17. Until 2011 he was not allowed to be included in the main DC universe in case children thought he was cool and went to go find the _Hellblazer_ comics.
> 
> DC Kids is the new children's imprint at DC, and every year they publish a new set of children's graphic novels introducing mainstream DC characters.
> 
> The characters in this fic are anthropomorphizations of my impression of DC's publishing practices. I have no knowledge of how the company is organized and so these characters are images of the _company_ and not of any individuals who may work at DC. This is satire, because this is the funniest news I've heard in months.

The Head of DC's Kids Books strides into the room, taking her place at the head of the table. A long row of faceless DC executives stare back. "Great job, guys!" she exclaims. "Since you decided not to entirely shut down our division, things have been going pretty okay! We're doing really well in terms of gender and racial diversity, mostly by outsourcing our authors and artists to the children's book world, but we could really do with some more books focused on LGBT+ characters." She looks at them expectantly.

"How about Harley Quinn?" one in the middle suggests. The rest nod. The HoDCKB shifts uncomfortably.

"Harley Quinn's great," she begins, "but, well, we've already released a book for her, and she's a bit overexposed at the moment. Plus there are problems with the inconsistently...decent portrayal of her character across the board. Besides, we'd really prefer a male character for this next round."

There is a long silence. Then a series of loud scratching noises echoes around the room as a DC executive near the back end of the table flips through his notebook, frowning as he works his way down a character list. Aren't male characters kind of your thing? you cannot hear the HoDCKB think, loudly.

After another long minute the man looks up. "Uh." he says. "How about Midnighter?"

She stares blankly back at him. "Who?"

"He's a -"

"No, no, don't explain. We need someone with name recognition. Even just a little name recognition. We need to sell a book."

The man crosses the last few names off of his list, and the HoDCKB stares at him in amazement.

From the front end of the table comes a muffled noise.

"What?" the HoDCKB says, turning around to face him. "I didn't catch that."

The DC executive in question takes his face out of his hands and stares resolutely at the table. "John Constantine," he mutters.

"John Constan- hmm. Constantine. Didn't he have a movie? Yes - that Keanu Reeves one, I think?"

No one answers her. She's used to that, so she moves blithely on.

"Yes, yes, brilliant. I can work with that." The HoDCKB nods decisively. "Thanks so much, guys, I'll get right on it." She strides out of the room. The door swings shut behind her before catching on its pneumatic hinges; it settles softly into place. No one speaks. Without making eye contact, they all agree that none of them were ever there.

Two weeks later, a young, exhausted intern opens his email and, upon reading its contents, chokes so violently on his lukewarm coffee that he falls off of his chair. Afterwards he just lies on the floor for a while. He'd like for someone to help him up, but he hasn't seen another person in at least four months.

**Author's Note:**

> In other words, as much as I am always and forever going to want more books without subplot love interests, this one book is permitted only if John - sorry, Johnny - is allowed to be very sweetly bi at whichever cute American he runs into on the first day and accidentally touches hands with while he's trying to help them pick their books back up.


End file.
